An ending to an eventful year and beginning to a life changer||

As I sit here at my kitchen table, with my extra big curly hair in a bun, and my Pajamas that don't match (shocker I know) drinking a cup of starbucks anniversary blend, I can't help but reflect on this year. Being the last day Of 2013, I woke up and went thru my Instagram to look at the pics of this past year. I found some happy memories attached to all of these pics, but I also found some sad ones too. 

This year has been filled with reunions, goodbyes, old friends, new friends, adventures, heartbreaks, new jobs, an abundance of church times, lots of friends having babies or getting engaged or married and just plain trying to get through some rough weeks. 

                        

To be honest this has probably been my hardest year to date. I Started 2013 with my one word being PERSPECTIVE and I literally heard it on the daily at least 3 times a day. Everywhere I went, I heard it. I tried to put every situation of this year into the perspective of looking at the bigger picture. That maybe every struggle was a small part of the big picture, or that every happy moment was just a small part of the big picture. 

I learned a lot this year. 

I learned the value of friendships this year. Having been reunited with the fab 5 was literally the best thing this year. I witnessed break ups and hurting hearts, I witnessed death and struggles, I witnessed words that were said and how those words could break each of us down. I I witnessed working so hard to pursue something you love, that you were never seen. I witnessed two of My pals leaving to find better things and to better themselves and their lives by pursuing things that would help them achieve what God would want them to do. I witnessed people open up their homes to me when I got kicked out of mine. I witnessed transparency. I witnessed an abundance of love that each one of these girls gave and received by not only each other but by all. For that I'm grateful. 

I also learned that your co workers aren't just your co workers, they're your family. I got to see a whole bunch of random and different people come together to not only learn to trust one another, but learn to love each other through literally thick and thin. I always knew that there would be people who put on a front of everything being ok, because I normally am that person, but I think we all learned to break down those walls for each other and for ourselves. I saw people at their highs and lows and learned to love them thru it all. We learned to have each others backs at all times and we stood by that. 

I learned that my family isn't ideal. This year has been hard. For all of us. From such amazing times to such crappy times. From heartbreak to new relationships to forgiveness to learning to love each other thru it all. I can say that for myself, my mom and my sister, this year has been hard with not being able to get Along all the time, but i feel like through every trial we were always there for each other. We learned to love, even When we weren't being loveable. We learned that space could only help the Situation until it arose again. We learned that when we said words we didn't mean, we were throwing daggers at each others hearts. But mostly we learned that the door was always open to come back and that transparency could help heal our wounds. 

I learned to be adventurous. To be open to the things that this year would bring. I learned to try new things and to not always stick to the same things that I was used to. I learned that even though I was being adventurous, I always stuck to my boundaries.

I learned that it's ok to have different dreams. That even though I'm called to be a pastor, that I can still do many other things because I have many other talents. That all those talents weren't just given to me because of nothing, but that I could use them to do mighty things. 

I also learned that no matter what my best friend will always be my best friend thru every and all situations. I learned that we could go for months without talking but that when we finally talked it would be like there was never an absence of each other. 

This year I learned what perspective really meant in my life. This year was just one year of my life. It was a tiny speck of the story that God has for me. It was a year of trial to see if God could trust me with everything and all things he has in store for me. 

So my word for 2014 is RESPOND. 

I want to learn to respond to my calling, and to respond to whatever needs a response. I'm ready for whatever comes this next year and I'm excited to start my new year off in Guatemala with my family who I haven't seen in years. 

Thank you all for being a part of my year, and for loving me thru everything. You all are loved immensely. 

Xx. 

225. TUGBOAT CHRONICLES

T U G B O A T // C H R O N I C L E S

Disclaimer: The other day, Chanel and I went to the thinking spot and we were talking and she stopped me and said "look theres a tugboat! take a picture of that! you can write an awesome sermon on it!" So, i whipped out my phone and figured i'd write a little bit about this subject.

 

Tug·Boat [tuhg-boht]

noun

a small, powerful boat for towing or pushing ships, barges, etc

 

Have you ever been in a postion of having too much to handle? or having too much to deal with a the same time? i feel like that right now. I have WAY too much on my plate. I have 12 hours a week at starbucks, so im obviously broke. I dont have the grades to get into school. I feel distant from some friends. I am distancing myself from one of my best friends. I feel awkward at my church.My family and I dont get along for about 80% of the time we are together.I got called out of Canada to become a youth pastor but i dont know where.

 Life is just not easy.

BUT you have to live the life of knowing that you have JESUS.

Pastor Chris Durso said something in one of his sermons that has opened my eyes. He said something along the lines of " If God tells you that he wants you in a certain place, he will make sure that you get to that place." Yeah there may be some mountains that you need to climb on the way but God never fails in making sure that you get to the place he has called you.

 

A tugboat is such a perfect analogy of how God helps us. He is the boat and he pulls and carries all the baggage that we have. How incredbile is that? A tugboat is so small and carries such huge things. Which puts it into the perspective of no matter how small we make God in our lives, he still carries ALL the huge things that weigh us down.

Psalm 55:22 says

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.'

 

How awesome is that? The fact that God takes all those things and deals with them because he already has died for them anyways. And plus he gives us so much grace and love and support. There is nothing that God cannot do. He's amazing. Dont ever doubt God.

 

Also, learn to let go fully of the burdens that weigh you down. When you give God the little piece that you can let go of, you still probably have 90% of that burden holding you back from the things God has called you to. Learn to TRUST God with everything and anything, and remember that God doesnt put you thru anything you cannot handle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

224. #REVCONF Slap in the Face

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT?

 

What a slap in the face by reality.

I am not one to think that God doesnt have an amazing and remarkable plan for my life, but i am one to think SOMETIMES that there is no grace for me.

I have screwed up. A Lot.

I have done things in my past that i wish i could take back.

I have broke up friendships over something that i could not learn to let go.

I have become someone that i never wanted to be.

I have not become me.

 

 

People always tell me that they love who I am, and i always nod along and go with the flow. I afterall, have always been that girl who has a smile. My friends will tell you that i am a great listener, or a personable person.

 

"You are so sociable! Everyone wants to be your friend. Its unreal, and i can see why. You genuinely care about people. It is so rare to meet someone who is so personable but somehow you are just that."

-Brody

 

or

 

"I love you! there will never be a paula replacement! No one can amount to your awesomeness anyways!"

-Braeden

 

or

 

"I just want to tell you how unbelievably amazing you are. I am so happy to have you as a friend. You have sych a beautiful heart, and you always stay positive!"

-Jenae

 

SLAP ME IN THE FACE ALREADY.

 

if these comments dont make me want to change then what will?

 

This weekend I was at REV CONFERENCE. And oh my goodness God showed up. Seriously. what a guy.

Message after Message i was moved.

Song after Song i was moved.

i was MOVED.

 

Robert Madu started off the conference with a message titled "It's in YOU"

He then preached about how we came from Dirt. yes, Dirt. He told us that God works with the messed up. That he cares about the ones who stray and that God is a great gardener with the seeds we sow.

He then talked about the gifts that God has instilled in us.

This made me open my eyes a little bit more because he claimed that GOD, our provider, gave us each a gift that he wants us to use. Whether big or small, it is still a gift. AND we should still use it to its fullest capability. I mean who are we kidding, we will never amount to all that God has called us to be, because we live in a world that holds us back, BUT we can definitely try and become radical for Jesus.

After all, was it not Jesus who took all our dirt when he was on that cross? was it not Jesus who has forgiven us? Was it not Jesus who said "Paula I love you, no matter what the circumstance, because i died for you."

 

once again,

SLAP IN THE FACE.

 

put it in perspective, God hands you the gift of preaching,or singing, or art, or saving women and children from the sex trade, or building amazing homes, or dance but you keep it for yourself. who does that slap in the face?

not you.

Might as well slap God yourself.

#Perspective

 

isnt it eye opening to see the perspective of that? how many times have I personally slapped God in the face? too many to count. Because in all honesty, yes i was given the gift of preaching to my full potential but no, i didnt use it in the capability that God wanted me to use it in and that to me sucks a lot.

 

Robert then stated "Your gift is a collaboration of YOU & GOD"

How incredible is that. He gives it to YOU, and you use it.

AND

not only that, he helps you use it.

He opens doors.

He gives opportunities.

TAKE THEM.

stop being that person who says that they have nothing to offer when in reality you have an enormous amount to offer.

 

*Insert Reality slap here*

 

The next day, James Murray spoke about the response that we had when we responded to the Gospel.

a quote that he said stuck out to me a lot.

he said

"Religion counts, grace erases."

 

WOAH WOAH WOAH

hold on a second.

WHAT?!

 

Grace does what?

ERASES.

 

Therefore, I know that when i mess up, GRACE aka JESUS has your back.

and yes, you can say AMEN to that.

 

Then Harrison Conley spoke a message about being yourself in Church. He gave us the example of a man who isnt in shape and hasnt seen his friends for a while, so when they ask him to hang at the beach, he goes but inhales so that he looks thinner. Then this man proceeds to go into the water and exhale so that he can be himself when no  one sees him.

He then claimed that in Church there are many christians who put on the mask of "everything is awesome and no one needs to know otherwise" and when they leave church, they exhale and are broken people.

this to me is also a

SLAP IN THE FACE,

because i did this for SO LONG. Even now, i find myself doing this sometimes and i now realize that when there is something going on, God wants ALL of it. Not the piece that we can let go, but all of it. God wants us to let go.

 

Then Justin Reimer spoke a message on the fact that we are here. so we might as well be where we are and use that to its full capacity.

he told us to "wake up behind the wheel of our life".

wow.

SLAP IN THE FACE #2875023032

 

how many times do we wish we were somewhere else. I think that is definitely something that hold us back from all that God wants to do in us. We long to Run. We want change and pursue it, but forget that Jesus wants us in the now and has our lives planned for us.

 

Then Chad Veach closed the conference with going through Psalm 23.

He talked about how whatever God annoints he also approves. He talked about how when we have God we have a seat at his table. He also talked about how the devil instills lies into us. How when God says "come" the devil exclaims "not Paula, shes done this and this and this and isnt worthy of a seat at YOUR table." when we let the devil put lies before us, we fall back. But Gods table is big enough and he is more than enough for us. 

Chad then asked us if we were called to ministry to put up our hand.

without even thinking both my hands shot up in the air and i started to ball like a baby. i now know that what God has for my life is 79035247802 times bigger than what i have for my own life.

 

in all reality, i am grateful.

and in awe.

 

Jesus is real people.

&

he loves you more than anyone ever could.

There is GRACE.

live in it.

 

 

223. only you.

    dark & rainy day

                                       come & gone away

                   cant tell you my name 

cuz everyday it keeps on changing

                              someone i had known

                         stolen identity

she took that all away & left me on my knee

        she keeps on changing the weather

& everyday its raining on me 

          she keeps on changing the weather 

& im so tired 

im so tired

                                      of being cold. 

222. and when you think its over.... its not.

the amount of change that has occurred in my life since moving to alberta and coming back, is immense. i mean here i am the typical paula not knowing anything about anything and yet pursuing the things that i shouldn't pursue. these decisions have consequences and i have learned that the hard way. i feel like people are distancing themselves from me a little bit and i guess you could fit in the title "now you're just somebody that i used to know" and thats cool i guess. 

life goes on, and days get brighter. 

i may be a different person but i have the same heart and the same beliefs and i wont let anyone take that away from me. im going to be a better person, but dont judge me on my mistakes. because guess what, you arent perfect either. no one is. sorry. 

221. Before my thoughts are gone

Today I had the awesome chance to hang with the awesome Brody. I feel like I constantly tweet or talk about Brody and its honestly because out of all the people I have gotten to know recently, he is the most real. It's funny cuz I remember Brody coming to church when it was called victory christian centre but I remember not knowing him. I was a strange kid. He was a strange kid. We were both super strange kids. It was normal back then to be in constant confusion over who was friends with who and now I can honestly say that I'm glad he's in my life.  I told Brody this and I know he won't be upset about me mentioning it, but I told him that to me he was a write off. Not because I didn't want to get to know him, but because I did and was afraid to. Here's the thing with me. I have trust issues. I am not afraid to admit that because of the fact that its true. I didn't always have them but I do now and it's ok, I'm working on them and you don't have to be concerned. But alas this leads me back to what I was saying. I can say that I have only ever REALLY opened up with no shame, no guilt and no worry of being judged to one person. That person is my best friend. It took a while for us to get to that best friend stage. We've had our fair share of fighting and loving and listening and just being there for each other, But it wasn't an easy ride. I have this thing where I am super outgoing and I love people. I do. It's not easy being me. I genuinely care about every person I get to meet. I would take a bullet for every person I have ever met. That's how much I care. BUT do I trust all these new people ? Nope. Why? Because like I said I have a hard time. I want to with every ounce in my being be able to trust all these people but I can't. And so this leads me back to Brody. I wanted to be that person who was friends and had the trust for him but I couldn't. These past few weeks have been eye opening for me though. I may not show it in the way that I act but I truly have been challenged to open my heart and my soul and my mind to the things that scare me, and to the things that will make me a better person. Brody taught me that. And yenno what awesome about it? He doesn't know it. Brody is genuine and kind and smart and hilarious beyond measure, and he doesn't know it. He has opened my eyes to see the awesome in the people around me, he has opened my heart to take in all Christ has for me. He uses his words to build me up and not tear me down. He has opened my mind to the ideas that have surrounded my mind for so long. He taught me that words without actions are useless. You have to act on the things you say. And before all you Guys get the wrong idea , brods and I are just pals. I speak highly of the people who impact my life. Brody is an influence to me. If that doesn't keep him accountable for being so awesome I don't know what will. He has a HUGE heart. I value him and alway will. I TRUST Brody with all that I am. And I am thankful for him. He knows that. I guess this makes us new best buds. Sucks to be you Brody haha. Xo

220. Racing mind

I constantly find myself in a busy state of mind. Do you ever have those times where you think about something and then that makes you think of something else? For example if I'm thinking about driving, then my mind goes to having my own car which leads me to being independent and moving out then being able to have time to date then get Married which then leads me to imagining the colors for my future wedding that are themed after a boat in new west that is by my thinking spot that leads me to my hangs with Braeden and my bible which leads me to Starbucks and then I think about my job. Catch my drift? My mind works at a bazillion thoughts per second. All those things really aren't that similar but my mind puts them together to create this chain. Sometimes I over work my brain with the amount of things I think, which then causes me to stress out and shut down. I am that person. That person who will always have a smile on my face even though my heart is frowning. I'm that girl who in any circumstance will choose your well being over my own. I'm that girl who would rather see everyone around me happy then have that feeling of I couldn't do anything to make them feel that way. Im that girl who gives out advice but refuses to take my own. That is me. And I'm ok with that. I know in myself that I will never change for anyone. Especially in my belief system. I have gone thru hell  and back with my relationship with Jesus and yenno what it's cool. I have learned that because I over think it makes me depend more on God. I see people like my pal Brody, whose story I don't know, come to put God first in everything he does without shame. That is someone I look up to. I know he has hardships but he will always always always glorify God in every situation whether it be good or bad, and that is something that I strive for. I'm thankful for all the people around me because without them and their stories and guidance I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm thankful for being me and for having Jesus, because I know that in my over thinking of the stupid things I have done and regret he still loves me in all circumstances. So when I over think I don't worry because I know that everything is going to be ok, and it always is.

219. Fall

This song is enough.

Whoa, ooh

Well, let me tell you a story

About a girl and a boy

He fell in love with his best friend

When she's around, he feels nothing but joy

But she was already broken, and it made her blind

But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right

Did you know that I loved you or were you not aware?

You're the smile on my face

And I ain't going nowhere

I'm here to make you happy, I'm here to see you smile

I've been wanting to tell you this for a long while

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

Well, I can tell you're afraid of what this might do

Cause we got such an amazing friendship and that you don't wanna lose

Well, I don't wanna lose it either

I don't think I can stay sitting around while you're hurting babe, so take my hand

Well, did you know you're an angel who forgot how to fly?

Did you know that it breaks my heart every time to see you cry

Cause I know that a piece of you's gone

Every time he done wrong I'm the shoulder you're crying on

And I hope by the time that I'm done with this song that I figure out

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

But if you spread your wings

You can fly away with me

But you can't fly unless you let your...

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall,

So fall in love (in love)

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all (don't have to be scared, don't have to be scared at all), oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

If you spread your wings

You can fly away with me

But you can't fly unless you let your... let yourself fall

218. Kyles story.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. "
They really should get lives.
" He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
" Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

217. Oh my heart.

Basically my life was summed up in the last post I wrote, so tonight me and my best friend decided to make a list of things that make our hearts happy. So here I go, in no particular order. 

• Moustaches
• Beanies (like the hat) 
• Pumpkin chai lattes 
• A brand new dress 
• Nice heels 
• Clean laundry 
• Exploring
• Thinking spots 
• Crocheting 
• Balloons
• Flowers! I LOVE getting flowers. (I know, so girly) 
• coconut water 
• Polaroids
• Developing pictures 
• Good quotes 
• Long baths 
• Oversize sweaters 
• Having a good cry 
• Best friend dates 
• Sleepovers 
• Concerts 
• Making up for lost time 
• Dipping my toes in the ocean 
• Driving 
• LA
• bonding sessions 
• Fall
• Anything nautical 
• Boats 
• My anchor tattoo 
• STARGAZING. 

I love all of those. And more. This is my list. If u don't like it, get over it.  

Oh my heart. 

216. Please, for the good of mankind

Alright.
I am currently on the "led on" boat which basically has consumed my mind since I have left. This boat has held a lot of emotions for me. One day I'm happy because I am aware that something might happen, and the next day this boat is sinking. I put too much thought and effort into all the relationships that I have whether it be with my family, my friends, and my co workers. This specific boat has led me to believe that maybe, just maybe for once, someone may feel the same way for me as I do for them. This boat has proven itself to suck so bad. I want to be on the dating train that leads to marriage island. I want to be happy. I want to be able to go to my thinking spot and not have an awkward attachment to it because of who I decided to share it with. I want to be able to hang out with his family and not have it be awkward. I want to be able to text or call him without having feelings for him. I want all these things but mostly, I want space. Every time something like this happens I need space. Hense one of the reasons why I moved to Alberta in the first place. For space. Space to clear my thoughts and come Back refreshed and with a new attitude towards things. Space to legit be able to think without having someone Or something hold me back and question me. 

Gah. Seriously right now. I wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. Because feelings lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to having your heart be vulnerable. and that's the state I'm in. Vulnerability. 

I hate it. 

215. Stomach dropped sensation.

Seriously though. -_-

214. Anytime now

Seriously. The thoughts that have been consuming my mind recently are overwhelming. It is definitely in the top 3 moments of being confused. I say confused as an understatement to the reality of what is actually the hardest thing to describe. I think that I am "in like" with someone. I say "in like" because in love would be an overstatement. He is everything on My list of what I want in a bf and in a husband. He's literally the most outgoing, friendly, lovable, loyal, and amazing friend. He is the epitomy of my hearts desire. He just doesn't know it yet haha. It's Wierd when you can open up to some one and know that they will NEVER judge you for your past or your present. That you know they will support you in whatever it is you choose to do and have them know that you would and will do the same. Gah. Life.

"what happens when he's your Romeo but you're not his Juliet?"

213. this is all i ever want.

i LOVE this song. a lot. so i thought i would share it with you. this is gonna be my first dance song. 

Here I am. Broken wings, quiet thoughts, unspoken dreams. 
Here I am. Alone again and I need her now to hold my hand. 

[CHORUS:]
She's all, she's all I ever had. 
She's the air I breathe.
She's all, she's all I ever had 

It's the way she makes me feel. 
It's the only thing that's real. 
It's the way she understands. 
She's my lover, she's my friend. 
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside. 
Like the man I want to be. 
She's all I ever need. 

So much time, soo much pain (but) there's one thing that still remains. 
(It's the) The way she cared the love we shared. 
And through it all she's always been there. 

She's all, she's all I ever had in a world so cold, so empty. 
She's all, she's all I ever had.
It's the way she makes me feel. 
It's the only thing that's real. 
It's the way she understands. 
She's my lover, she's my friend. 
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside. 
Like the man I want to be. She's all I ever need.

212. tattoo meaning

I have had my tattoo for 71 days. 
To this day i still get comments like "aww thats cute, you think you're a sailor!" or "why the heck would u get an anchor?" or even "wow. thats nice guess you just got it for kicks." 


the reality of it is people, my tat has meaning. its not because I'm trying to be a sailor, although come on that would be cool. 


i have thought about this tattoo for almost a good 2 years. i knew i wanted it but i didn't know if i should get it because my mom would kill me. (she hates tattoos with a passion) But alas, i went back and thought about why i wanted this tattoo so much.  Don't worry people i thought this through, 


In my life i never really had anything that could phase me. I was well liked at school and my family was awesome and i grew up living all my dreams of having the right amount of things. Don't get me wrong i had moments in which i wished that i had gotten those new wheelie shoes or even a sweet iPod for christmas, but all in all i was content. i was confident in my growing up years. I knew what i wanted and tried my hardest to pursue it. ALL my teachers favoured me in primary school because i actually cared and i was always that person who was paired up with the new kid because i wasn't shy. I was a people person.


then i grew up. Went to a christian high school that i loved. Had friends that i loved, and all that jazz, but you know when something so dumb ruins everything? ya thats what happened. my family got screwed up. my parents split and so did my siblings and i. I know you've all heard this story, but don't worry I'm getting to the point haha. life for me went downhill. I hated everything and everyone. I didn't get into alcohol or drugs, but i did shut down. ever since then, when people ask me whats wrong, i don't talk about it because i literally cant. its not as easy for me to open up anymore. i still went to church because i knew that i would get further in my life if i stayed. 


Anyways, for a few years i sat there thinking about the meaning of my future tattoo. i one day opened my bible and Hebrews 6:19 came up which says "this HOPE is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls, it leads us into Gods inner sanctuary." 

HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. 

i at first had a rough time with this because i was always helping others with their hope. like the city and colour song  says "how can i instill such hope but be left with none of my own. " Thats how i felt. always giving others a boost but then never giving myself one. then i really thought about it. A lot. Non stop. 


why hope?


HOPE. hope that my family would at least be able to communicate with eachother. Hope that i would figure out what i really want to do with my life. Hope that the people i surround myself with are the people that God wants me to be in contact with. Hope that my siblings and i would get to hang out again together. Hope that the plan God has for me would be pursued to the fullest capacity. Hope that i would learn to open up as much as i did, and Hope that in the end it was worth it. 


Hope. 


thats what my tattoo signifies. Hope and all those things associated with it. 

211. Distance

so as i sit here typing and drinking a good old cup of green tea, im going to be talking about something that is close to my heart especially right now. NOT because i am going through it, even though sometimes i do, but because it is something that a lot of people go through, and i want to share my thoughts on it with you guys, whether it be with my 24 followers or no one. sometimes i just have to talk and this is a good place.



distance[ dis-tuh ns ] noun 1. the extent or amount of space between two things, points, lines, people etc. 
2. the state or fact of being apart in space, as of one thing from another; remoteness. 

 Distance is a sucky thing sometimes. i personally think that there are 2 ways to handle this.

1. The "I changed my mind and want to go home because i miss my friends and no one talks to me as much as they did" freak out.

This is the ideal thing for all of us to do. I mean we can go through the emotions of being far from the people we love. i know this feeling personally. i can tell you guys that i haven't talked to some of my friends from back home since i have left, and its only been 3 and a half months. thats it. I cant even imagine what it would be like to be gone for a year or 2 at this point. But you know what, distance provides new knowledge of who your true friends are and who has the guts to be your friend through anything and everything. I go through days when I don't work or have anything important to do and i just have mini freak out sessions about how no one cares and how all my best friends put me on the back burner because I'm not there, but then i realize that whatever time they have thats not busy doing something is the time where they send me texts or they skype me or whatever. You know what sometimes it isn't all about me. i may have mini freak out sessions and cry and all that jazz, but in the end, I'm just drowning myself in thoughts that are going to bring me down. This goes for everyone, if you cant handle the distance you aren't meant to leave.


 2. Go with the flow or else you'll be a depressed little elf.

 I mean ok so you moved away, and you keep in touch with people who really care, but there are days and even weeks where you don't get the chance to talk to let's say your best friend or your family or whoever. But look on the bright side, distance can be a good thing. It can be the time where you learn who you are and where you want to truly be. I have learned so much about who i am in these past few months. i go for weeks without talking to my mom or sister, but in the end i know that when i get back the relationship that we have will still be the same. Even with people like Jesse or Braeden or Letitia or whoever, i may go days, weeks, months without so little as a hi, but in the end, we are all growing day by day, and some days we may not have time to chat and im slowly getting ok with that. Im not saying that everyone will be ok with this, but i know that in due time we'll be talking as if i never left. So why not hold onto the things that make me happy for now? its hard. I'm not saying that its a walk in the park at all because its not, but why dwell on something that will take all the focus off of what you left to do? in times of feeling lonely, i know that i am not alone. i know that if i truly need someone i can just stop being lazy and pick up my phone. i am only a flight away.


so pretty much, don't dwell on something that will make you sad. Use the distance as a tool to work that much harder in your relationships. Some people are just scared of distance and thats why they dont talk to you as much. they want to hold onto the small memories that they have so that they don't ruin their friendship with you. everyone reacts differently. just go with it.

210. Journal entry

And once again here I am in this starbucks sitting on a couch this time, just pondering about what to write. I used to come here almost everyday and write about life, and now I just do it when I can. I feel happier here now but dont get me wrong, I still hate it and hate my job sometimes (who doesn't ?) but I'm getting used to it. It's pretty cool I guess. I like my new thinking spot and my pals. I like beig able to chill and not really do much but I obviously miss home. I miss my friends and my house and my job and my church. I miss my late night adventures and sleepovers. I miss my awesome thinking spot and I miss bringing people I love there and having the best heart to heart conversations in my favorite place. I miss my family and being able to be adventurous and just do random things. I miss my lg and wf and my fam jam adventures to castle fun park. I miss my boys and ya I basically just miss BC in general.

209. Something's never change. Some do.

That's cool I come down for a week and everything is dandy. I leave and things suck. Cool. I don't like this distant you and this distant me.

208.longing

So I decided a month or so ago that I was going to go to bc for the women's conference that was being held at my church. I didnt tell anyone except Taelor Alex Edmond and braeden. It was meant to be a surprise for my mom so I figured keeping it under wraps would be awesome. it was. I landed, got picked up by Taelor then went to grab some flowers and surprised my mom at work. She started balling it was awesome. Then slowly but surely word spread that I was in town and everyone texted me haha. It was sweet times. I got to spend my week there doing almost everything that I wanted to do. I got a pedicure with Taelor, went to castle fun park with my awesome 2nd fam jam went downtown with the best friends had an awesome afternoon with braeden driving around in literal circles until we decided what to do. We went to ikea and acted like it was our home haha then we had some Icecream and drove down to metro town then went in a sick photo booth and sucked at life while editing them haha then we made balloon animals and flowers and strolled to my thinking spot and had a sweet much needed chat. Twas an awesome day. I also went to whiterock with Becca and Edmond and Edwin and meaghan and josh. That was awesome. Went to a bonfire at sterlings place. Hit up baselines with the wf crew then chilled with braeden Matt Brendyn and nicky. Went to the conference which was awesome! Had combined life group. celebrated shantelles birthday. And on my last day I hung out with myself then had coffee with the awesome Jesse. Then got to chill with Johnny Matt Braeden and Jesse for a while. Then I had an awesome heart to heart with Jesse and braeden while deciding what to do with life. That was awesome. And ya overall it was an awesome week. I was about to make a rash decision to stay but I figured that if I called my boss she would not be impressed. So I decided that I would be coming back in about 85 days. So thats august. I'm super pumped to go home. I miss everyone and everything about bc. A LOT. So ya.
That was my epic adventure. :)

207. A person can only do so much

So recently I've been getting some people asking me If the reason I left was because I didn't want to deal with people and their problems anymore. Let me tell you something. I left because of some people and they know that. I also left because I felt that it was the right thing to do for me at this time in my life. I am a people person. If you know me then u know that about me right away. I would lay down my life for anyone and everyone who has come into my path because thats how much everyone means to me. Leaving everyone and their issues behind was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I left people in their worst. There have been so many days where I have been emotionally challenged because back home I have built relationships in which I care about someone so deeply that I feel like I help them live their lives day to day. Here I feel like I am in solitary confinement most of the time. I have 5 legit friends. Five. We all live our separate lives. So because of that I barely see any of them. When I do I can't stop listening to what they say because I am so constantly used to giving advice or whatnot. This is hard for me. Out here I have no one to mentor, and I have no physical mentor. I dont go to church out here at all. honestly I have been wanting to go home more often than not and I feel like people back home don't understand that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you guys, and all of the fun we could be having or all of the heart to hearts we could be having. But because this is what I wanted for me I sit here in my room all alone almost every night. You Guys are important to me. Don't EVER think that I don't care for or miss you guys. Because I do. My heart is back home for sure. I'm not being selfish. I know that when the time comes I'll be back home.