210. Journal entry

And once again here I am in this starbucks sitting on a couch this time, just pondering about what to write. I used to come here almost everyday and write about life, and now I just do it when I can. I feel happier here now but dont get me wrong, I still hate it and hate my job sometimes (who doesn't ?) but I'm getting used to it. It's pretty cool I guess. I like my new thinking spot and my pals. I like beig able to chill and not really do much but I obviously miss home. I miss my friends and my house and my job and my church. I miss my late night adventures and sleepovers. I miss my awesome thinking spot and I miss bringing people I love there and having the best heart to heart conversations in my favorite place. I miss my family and being able to be adventurous and just do random things. I miss my lg and wf and my fam jam adventures to castle fun park. I miss my boys and ya I basically just miss BC in general.

209. Something's never change. Some do.

That's cool I come down for a week and everything is dandy. I leave and things suck. Cool. I don't like this distant you and this distant me.

208.longing

So I decided a month or so ago that I was going to go to bc for the women's conference that was being held at my church. I didnt tell anyone except Taelor Alex Edmond and braeden. It was meant to be a surprise for my mom so I figured keeping it under wraps would be awesome. it was. I landed, got picked up by Taelor then went to grab some flowers and surprised my mom at work. She started balling it was awesome. Then slowly but surely word spread that I was in town and everyone texted me haha. It was sweet times. I got to spend my week there doing almost everything that I wanted to do. I got a pedicure with Taelor, went to castle fun park with my awesome 2nd fam jam went downtown with the best friends had an awesome afternoon with braeden driving around in literal circles until we decided what to do. We went to ikea and acted like it was our home haha then we had some Icecream and drove down to metro town then went in a sick photo booth and sucked at life while editing them haha then we made balloon animals and flowers and strolled to my thinking spot and had a sweet much needed chat. Twas an awesome day. I also went to whiterock with Becca and Edmond and Edwin and meaghan and josh. That was awesome. Went to a bonfire at sterlings place. Hit up baselines with the wf crew then chilled with braeden Matt Brendyn and nicky. Went to the conference which was awesome! Had combined life group. celebrated shantelles birthday. And on my last day I hung out with myself then had coffee with the awesome Jesse. Then got to chill with Johnny Matt Braeden and Jesse for a while. Then I had an awesome heart to heart with Jesse and braeden while deciding what to do with life. That was awesome. And ya overall it was an awesome week. I was about to make a rash decision to stay but I figured that if I called my boss she would not be impressed. So I decided that I would be coming back in about 85 days. So thats august. I'm super pumped to go home. I miss everyone and everything about bc. A LOT. So ya.
That was my epic adventure. :)

207. A person can only do so much

So recently I've been getting some people asking me If the reason I left was because I didn't want to deal with people and their problems anymore. Let me tell you something. I left because of some people and they know that. I also left because I felt that it was the right thing to do for me at this time in my life. I am a people person. If you know me then u know that about me right away. I would lay down my life for anyone and everyone who has come into my path because thats how much everyone means to me. Leaving everyone and their issues behind was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I left people in their worst. There have been so many days where I have been emotionally challenged because back home I have built relationships in which I care about someone so deeply that I feel like I help them live their lives day to day. Here I feel like I am in solitary confinement most of the time. I have 5 legit friends. Five. We all live our separate lives. So because of that I barely see any of them. When I do I can't stop listening to what they say because I am so constantly used to giving advice or whatnot. This is hard for me. Out here I have no one to mentor, and I have no physical mentor. I dont go to church out here at all. honestly I have been wanting to go home more often than not and I feel like people back home don't understand that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you guys, and all of the fun we could be having or all of the heart to hearts we could be having. But because this is what I wanted for me I sit here in my room all alone almost every night. You Guys are important to me. Don't EVER think that I don't care for or miss you guys. Because I do. My heart is back home for sure. I'm not being selfish. I know that when the time comes I'll be back home.

206. Crappy time

I don't normally keep a journal because I'm always dreading people ever reading it and stuff. But anyways I figured why not write about life here again.

Here's where I'm at.
Yesterday I was chillin with Brendan and he challenged me with some pretty tough questions.
*(Side track for a moment, Brendan is someone whose opinion I respect and take into consideration only because we've known each other for a long time, and I do trust him with my life)

He asked me why I was here and he also asked me what I would do if I was to go back home.
Normally I'd have an answer to both questions right at the tip of my tongue so I could answer them quickly, but for the first time in a long time I just sat there. Confused, worried, silent. He then proceeded to look at me and told me that I need to step out of the comfortable. I wanted to cry but I didnt.
In my head I'm thinking dude u don't know that I AM in the uncomfortable. I wanted to be so angry, but I couldn't be. I wanted to say so much stuff but I couldn't because I knew he was right. Back home I have a routine. I get up work 20 hours a week, host life group on Monday night, hang out with people during the week, chill with my family spend my whole Sunday at church and then do that all over again. Back home I am in the comfortable.

Here on the other hand, I work 40 hours a week maybe more and go home chill with my cousin for t-an hour IF she's home and then sleep. I don't even have time for church. Here I'm in the uncomfortable.

This is a hard time. You would think someone like me who seems like they've got everything together would be happy here trying to make it work, but I don't know how else I can. Maybe I'm just being a big baby. Maybe Brendan has a point. No, Brendan does have a point. What am I doing?

Today for instance, I went to work, cried at the mall and Starbucks because I am missing our annual Easter get together back home, and im sitting at starbucks like a loser by myself writing this. Today was one of my sad days. There has been no other day that I have wanted to be home more than today. But I know that if I go home, I "gave up" on something that could potentially be awesome.

That people I where I'm at. Pray for me. I really need it now more than ever.

205. One month today

Haha my title sounds like something I would write if I was In a relationship but alas I am not. I have however been in grande prairie for a month today. Man time flies. It's funny to think that one month ago I was on my way here in tears because of all the people I was leaving behind. In this month I have found out a lot about myself I guess u can say. I mean I have found out how tolerant I am with lazy people at work, and how much I can do before I crack. I've also found out who my real friends back home are which is sweet because it's obvs good to know that when I come back these champs will still be there. In this month I have gotten a promotion at work, I watched watoto with someone who said they would never step foot in a church. I've danced like a champ. Met up with the Brendan's. Hung out with Ashley and my cousins, been on a straight 10 hour road trip. And yeah had some adventures at Starbucks like a champ I've had Skype dates with Jenna and jray, braeden, Taelor and Alex, Nicky, Natasha, Gabbi, Becca, Jenae and my life group. I've was able to watch wf online and that was awesome. But ya I'm not sure what's next for me. Let me tell ya, the money is good, and I'll have the opportunity to potentially become assistant, but ya I'm just hopeful that I can pursue what God wants for me. But until next time. See ya champs!

204. Cool bro.

Gah. If only u knew that I was just as choked as you were. Sorry pal.