206. Crappy time

I don't normally keep a journal because I'm always dreading people ever reading it and stuff. But anyways I figured why not write about life here again.

Here's where I'm at.
Yesterday I was chillin with Brendan and he challenged me with some pretty tough questions.
*(Side track for a moment, Brendan is someone whose opinion I respect and take into consideration only because we've known each other for a long time, and I do trust him with my life)

He asked me why I was here and he also asked me what I would do if I was to go back home.
Normally I'd have an answer to both questions right at the tip of my tongue so I could answer them quickly, but for the first time in a long time I just sat there. Confused, worried, silent. He then proceeded to look at me and told me that I need to step out of the comfortable. I wanted to cry but I didnt.
In my head I'm thinking dude u don't know that I AM in the uncomfortable. I wanted to be so angry, but I couldn't be. I wanted to say so much stuff but I couldn't because I knew he was right. Back home I have a routine. I get up work 20 hours a week, host life group on Monday night, hang out with people during the week, chill with my family spend my whole Sunday at church and then do that all over again. Back home I am in the comfortable.

Here on the other hand, I work 40 hours a week maybe more and go home chill with my cousin for t-an hour IF she's home and then sleep. I don't even have time for church. Here I'm in the uncomfortable.

This is a hard time. You would think someone like me who seems like they've got everything together would be happy here trying to make it work, but I don't know how else I can. Maybe I'm just being a big baby. Maybe Brendan has a point. No, Brendan does have a point. What am I doing?

Today for instance, I went to work, cried at the mall and Starbucks because I am missing our annual Easter get together back home, and im sitting at starbucks like a loser by myself writing this. Today was one of my sad days. There has been no other day that I have wanted to be home more than today. But I know that if I go home, I "gave up" on something that could potentially be awesome.

That people I where I'm at. Pray for me. I really need it now more than ever.