217. Oh my heart.

Basically my life was summed up in the last post I wrote, so tonight me and my best friend decided to make a list of things that make our hearts happy. So here I go, in no particular order. 

• Moustaches
• Beanies (like the hat) 
• Pumpkin chai lattes 
• A brand new dress 
• Nice heels 
• Clean laundry 
• Exploring
• Thinking spots 
• Crocheting 
• Balloons
• Flowers! I LOVE getting flowers. (I know, so girly) 
• coconut water 
• Polaroids
• Developing pictures 
• Good quotes 
• Long baths 
• Oversize sweaters 
• Having a good cry 
• Best friend dates 
• Sleepovers 
• Concerts 
• Making up for lost time 
• Dipping my toes in the ocean 
• Driving 
• LA
• bonding sessions 
• Fall
• Anything nautical 
• Boats 
• My anchor tattoo 
• STARGAZING. 

I love all of those. And more. This is my list. If u don't like it, get over it.  

Oh my heart. 

216. Please, for the good of mankind

Alright.
I am currently on the "led on" boat which basically has consumed my mind since I have left. This boat has held a lot of emotions for me. One day I'm happy because I am aware that something might happen, and the next day this boat is sinking. I put too much thought and effort into all the relationships that I have whether it be with my family, my friends, and my co workers. This specific boat has led me to believe that maybe, just maybe for once, someone may feel the same way for me as I do for them. This boat has proven itself to suck so bad. I want to be on the dating train that leads to marriage island. I want to be happy. I want to be able to go to my thinking spot and not have an awkward attachment to it because of who I decided to share it with. I want to be able to hang out with his family and not have it be awkward. I want to be able to text or call him without having feelings for him. I want all these things but mostly, I want space. Every time something like this happens I need space. Hense one of the reasons why I moved to Alberta in the first place. For space. Space to clear my thoughts and come Back refreshed and with a new attitude towards things. Space to legit be able to think without having someone Or something hold me back and question me. 

Gah. Seriously right now. I wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. Because feelings lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to having your heart be vulnerable. and that's the state I'm in. Vulnerability. 

I hate it. 

215. Stomach dropped sensation.

Seriously though. -_-

214. Anytime now

Seriously. The thoughts that have been consuming my mind recently are overwhelming. It is definitely in the top 3 moments of being confused. I say confused as an understatement to the reality of what is actually the hardest thing to describe. I think that I am "in like" with someone. I say "in like" because in love would be an overstatement. He is everything on My list of what I want in a bf and in a husband. He's literally the most outgoing, friendly, lovable, loyal, and amazing friend. He is the epitomy of my hearts desire. He just doesn't know it yet haha. It's Wierd when you can open up to some one and know that they will NEVER judge you for your past or your present. That you know they will support you in whatever it is you choose to do and have them know that you would and will do the same. Gah. Life.

"what happens when he's your Romeo but you're not his Juliet?"

213. this is all i ever want.

i LOVE this song. a lot. so i thought i would share it with you. this is gonna be my first dance song. 

Here I am. Broken wings, quiet thoughts, unspoken dreams. 
Here I am. Alone again and I need her now to hold my hand. 

[CHORUS:]
She's all, she's all I ever had. 
She's the air I breathe.
She's all, she's all I ever had 

It's the way she makes me feel. 
It's the only thing that's real. 
It's the way she understands. 
She's my lover, she's my friend. 
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside. 
Like the man I want to be. 
She's all I ever need. 

So much time, soo much pain (but) there's one thing that still remains. 
(It's the) The way she cared the love we shared. 
And through it all she's always been there. 

She's all, she's all I ever had in a world so cold, so empty. 
She's all, she's all I ever had.
It's the way she makes me feel. 
It's the only thing that's real. 
It's the way she understands. 
She's my lover, she's my friend. 
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside. 
Like the man I want to be. She's all I ever need.

212. tattoo meaning

I have had my tattoo for 71 days. 
To this day i still get comments like "aww thats cute, you think you're a sailor!" or "why the heck would u get an anchor?" or even "wow. thats nice guess you just got it for kicks." 


the reality of it is people, my tat has meaning. its not because I'm trying to be a sailor, although come on that would be cool. 


i have thought about this tattoo for almost a good 2 years. i knew i wanted it but i didn't know if i should get it because my mom would kill me. (she hates tattoos with a passion) But alas, i went back and thought about why i wanted this tattoo so much.  Don't worry people i thought this through, 


In my life i never really had anything that could phase me. I was well liked at school and my family was awesome and i grew up living all my dreams of having the right amount of things. Don't get me wrong i had moments in which i wished that i had gotten those new wheelie shoes or even a sweet iPod for christmas, but all in all i was content. i was confident in my growing up years. I knew what i wanted and tried my hardest to pursue it. ALL my teachers favoured me in primary school because i actually cared and i was always that person who was paired up with the new kid because i wasn't shy. I was a people person.


then i grew up. Went to a christian high school that i loved. Had friends that i loved, and all that jazz, but you know when something so dumb ruins everything? ya thats what happened. my family got screwed up. my parents split and so did my siblings and i. I know you've all heard this story, but don't worry I'm getting to the point haha. life for me went downhill. I hated everything and everyone. I didn't get into alcohol or drugs, but i did shut down. ever since then, when people ask me whats wrong, i don't talk about it because i literally cant. its not as easy for me to open up anymore. i still went to church because i knew that i would get further in my life if i stayed. 


Anyways, for a few years i sat there thinking about the meaning of my future tattoo. i one day opened my bible and Hebrews 6:19 came up which says "this HOPE is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls, it leads us into Gods inner sanctuary." 

HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. 

i at first had a rough time with this because i was always helping others with their hope. like the city and colour song  says "how can i instill such hope but be left with none of my own. " Thats how i felt. always giving others a boost but then never giving myself one. then i really thought about it. A lot. Non stop. 


why hope?


HOPE. hope that my family would at least be able to communicate with eachother. Hope that i would figure out what i really want to do with my life. Hope that the people i surround myself with are the people that God wants me to be in contact with. Hope that my siblings and i would get to hang out again together. Hope that the plan God has for me would be pursued to the fullest capacity. Hope that i would learn to open up as much as i did, and Hope that in the end it was worth it. 


Hope. 


thats what my tattoo signifies. Hope and all those things associated with it. 

211. Distance

so as i sit here typing and drinking a good old cup of green tea, im going to be talking about something that is close to my heart especially right now. NOT because i am going through it, even though sometimes i do, but because it is something that a lot of people go through, and i want to share my thoughts on it with you guys, whether it be with my 24 followers or no one. sometimes i just have to talk and this is a good place.



distance[ dis-tuh ns ] noun 1. the extent or amount of space between two things, points, lines, people etc. 
2. the state or fact of being apart in space, as of one thing from another; remoteness. 

 Distance is a sucky thing sometimes. i personally think that there are 2 ways to handle this.

1. The "I changed my mind and want to go home because i miss my friends and no one talks to me as much as they did" freak out.

This is the ideal thing for all of us to do. I mean we can go through the emotions of being far from the people we love. i know this feeling personally. i can tell you guys that i haven't talked to some of my friends from back home since i have left, and its only been 3 and a half months. thats it. I cant even imagine what it would be like to be gone for a year or 2 at this point. But you know what, distance provides new knowledge of who your true friends are and who has the guts to be your friend through anything and everything. I go through days when I don't work or have anything important to do and i just have mini freak out sessions about how no one cares and how all my best friends put me on the back burner because I'm not there, but then i realize that whatever time they have thats not busy doing something is the time where they send me texts or they skype me or whatever. You know what sometimes it isn't all about me. i may have mini freak out sessions and cry and all that jazz, but in the end, I'm just drowning myself in thoughts that are going to bring me down. This goes for everyone, if you cant handle the distance you aren't meant to leave.


 2. Go with the flow or else you'll be a depressed little elf.

 I mean ok so you moved away, and you keep in touch with people who really care, but there are days and even weeks where you don't get the chance to talk to let's say your best friend or your family or whoever. But look on the bright side, distance can be a good thing. It can be the time where you learn who you are and where you want to truly be. I have learned so much about who i am in these past few months. i go for weeks without talking to my mom or sister, but in the end i know that when i get back the relationship that we have will still be the same. Even with people like Jesse or Braeden or Letitia or whoever, i may go days, weeks, months without so little as a hi, but in the end, we are all growing day by day, and some days we may not have time to chat and im slowly getting ok with that. Im not saying that everyone will be ok with this, but i know that in due time we'll be talking as if i never left. So why not hold onto the things that make me happy for now? its hard. I'm not saying that its a walk in the park at all because its not, but why dwell on something that will take all the focus off of what you left to do? in times of feeling lonely, i know that i am not alone. i know that if i truly need someone i can just stop being lazy and pick up my phone. i am only a flight away.


so pretty much, don't dwell on something that will make you sad. Use the distance as a tool to work that much harder in your relationships. Some people are just scared of distance and thats why they dont talk to you as much. they want to hold onto the small memories that they have so that they don't ruin their friendship with you. everyone reacts differently. just go with it.