212. tattoo meaning

I have had my tattoo for 71 days. 
To this day i still get comments like "aww thats cute, you think you're a sailor!" or "why the heck would u get an anchor?" or even "wow. thats nice guess you just got it for kicks." 


the reality of it is people, my tat has meaning. its not because I'm trying to be a sailor, although come on that would be cool. 


i have thought about this tattoo for almost a good 2 years. i knew i wanted it but i didn't know if i should get it because my mom would kill me. (she hates tattoos with a passion) But alas, i went back and thought about why i wanted this tattoo so much.  Don't worry people i thought this through, 


In my life i never really had anything that could phase me. I was well liked at school and my family was awesome and i grew up living all my dreams of having the right amount of things. Don't get me wrong i had moments in which i wished that i had gotten those new wheelie shoes or even a sweet iPod for christmas, but all in all i was content. i was confident in my growing up years. I knew what i wanted and tried my hardest to pursue it. ALL my teachers favoured me in primary school because i actually cared and i was always that person who was paired up with the new kid because i wasn't shy. I was a people person.


then i grew up. Went to a christian high school that i loved. Had friends that i loved, and all that jazz, but you know when something so dumb ruins everything? ya thats what happened. my family got screwed up. my parents split and so did my siblings and i. I know you've all heard this story, but don't worry I'm getting to the point haha. life for me went downhill. I hated everything and everyone. I didn't get into alcohol or drugs, but i did shut down. ever since then, when people ask me whats wrong, i don't talk about it because i literally cant. its not as easy for me to open up anymore. i still went to church because i knew that i would get further in my life if i stayed. 


Anyways, for a few years i sat there thinking about the meaning of my future tattoo. i one day opened my bible and Hebrews 6:19 came up which says "this HOPE is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls, it leads us into Gods inner sanctuary." 

HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. 

i at first had a rough time with this because i was always helping others with their hope. like the city and colour song  says "how can i instill such hope but be left with none of my own. " Thats how i felt. always giving others a boost but then never giving myself one. then i really thought about it. A lot. Non stop. 


why hope?


HOPE. hope that my family would at least be able to communicate with eachother. Hope that i would figure out what i really want to do with my life. Hope that the people i surround myself with are the people that God wants me to be in contact with. Hope that my siblings and i would get to hang out again together. Hope that the plan God has for me would be pursued to the fullest capacity. Hope that i would learn to open up as much as i did, and Hope that in the end it was worth it. 


Hope. 


thats what my tattoo signifies. Hope and all those things associated with it. 

211. Distance

so as i sit here typing and drinking a good old cup of green tea, im going to be talking about something that is close to my heart especially right now. NOT because i am going through it, even though sometimes i do, but because it is something that a lot of people go through, and i want to share my thoughts on it with you guys, whether it be with my 24 followers or no one. sometimes i just have to talk and this is a good place.



distance[ dis-tuh ns ] noun 1. the extent or amount of space between two things, points, lines, people etc. 
2. the state or fact of being apart in space, as of one thing from another; remoteness. 

 Distance is a sucky thing sometimes. i personally think that there are 2 ways to handle this.

1. The "I changed my mind and want to go home because i miss my friends and no one talks to me as much as they did" freak out.

This is the ideal thing for all of us to do. I mean we can go through the emotions of being far from the people we love. i know this feeling personally. i can tell you guys that i haven't talked to some of my friends from back home since i have left, and its only been 3 and a half months. thats it. I cant even imagine what it would be like to be gone for a year or 2 at this point. But you know what, distance provides new knowledge of who your true friends are and who has the guts to be your friend through anything and everything. I go through days when I don't work or have anything important to do and i just have mini freak out sessions about how no one cares and how all my best friends put me on the back burner because I'm not there, but then i realize that whatever time they have thats not busy doing something is the time where they send me texts or they skype me or whatever. You know what sometimes it isn't all about me. i may have mini freak out sessions and cry and all that jazz, but in the end, I'm just drowning myself in thoughts that are going to bring me down. This goes for everyone, if you cant handle the distance you aren't meant to leave.


 2. Go with the flow or else you'll be a depressed little elf.

 I mean ok so you moved away, and you keep in touch with people who really care, but there are days and even weeks where you don't get the chance to talk to let's say your best friend or your family or whoever. But look on the bright side, distance can be a good thing. It can be the time where you learn who you are and where you want to truly be. I have learned so much about who i am in these past few months. i go for weeks without talking to my mom or sister, but in the end i know that when i get back the relationship that we have will still be the same. Even with people like Jesse or Braeden or Letitia or whoever, i may go days, weeks, months without so little as a hi, but in the end, we are all growing day by day, and some days we may not have time to chat and im slowly getting ok with that. Im not saying that everyone will be ok with this, but i know that in due time we'll be talking as if i never left. So why not hold onto the things that make me happy for now? its hard. I'm not saying that its a walk in the park at all because its not, but why dwell on something that will take all the focus off of what you left to do? in times of feeling lonely, i know that i am not alone. i know that if i truly need someone i can just stop being lazy and pick up my phone. i am only a flight away.


so pretty much, don't dwell on something that will make you sad. Use the distance as a tool to work that much harder in your relationships. Some people are just scared of distance and thats why they dont talk to you as much. they want to hold onto the small memories that they have so that they don't ruin their friendship with you. everyone reacts differently. just go with it.

210. Journal entry

And once again here I am in this starbucks sitting on a couch this time, just pondering about what to write. I used to come here almost everyday and write about life, and now I just do it when I can. I feel happier here now but dont get me wrong, I still hate it and hate my job sometimes (who doesn't ?) but I'm getting used to it. It's pretty cool I guess. I like my new thinking spot and my pals. I like beig able to chill and not really do much but I obviously miss home. I miss my friends and my house and my job and my church. I miss my late night adventures and sleepovers. I miss my awesome thinking spot and I miss bringing people I love there and having the best heart to heart conversations in my favorite place. I miss my family and being able to be adventurous and just do random things. I miss my lg and wf and my fam jam adventures to castle fun park. I miss my boys and ya I basically just miss BC in general.

209. Something's never change. Some do.

That's cool I come down for a week and everything is dandy. I leave and things suck. Cool. I don't like this distant you and this distant me.

208.longing

So I decided a month or so ago that I was going to go to bc for the women's conference that was being held at my church. I didnt tell anyone except Taelor Alex Edmond and braeden. It was meant to be a surprise for my mom so I figured keeping it under wraps would be awesome. it was. I landed, got picked up by Taelor then went to grab some flowers and surprised my mom at work. She started balling it was awesome. Then slowly but surely word spread that I was in town and everyone texted me haha. It was sweet times. I got to spend my week there doing almost everything that I wanted to do. I got a pedicure with Taelor, went to castle fun park with my awesome 2nd fam jam went downtown with the best friends had an awesome afternoon with braeden driving around in literal circles until we decided what to do. We went to ikea and acted like it was our home haha then we had some Icecream and drove down to metro town then went in a sick photo booth and sucked at life while editing them haha then we made balloon animals and flowers and strolled to my thinking spot and had a sweet much needed chat. Twas an awesome day. I also went to whiterock with Becca and Edmond and Edwin and meaghan and josh. That was awesome. Went to a bonfire at sterlings place. Hit up baselines with the wf crew then chilled with braeden Matt Brendyn and nicky. Went to the conference which was awesome! Had combined life group. celebrated shantelles birthday. And on my last day I hung out with myself then had coffee with the awesome Jesse. Then got to chill with Johnny Matt Braeden and Jesse for a while. Then I had an awesome heart to heart with Jesse and braeden while deciding what to do with life. That was awesome. And ya overall it was an awesome week. I was about to make a rash decision to stay but I figured that if I called my boss she would not be impressed. So I decided that I would be coming back in about 85 days. So thats august. I'm super pumped to go home. I miss everyone and everything about bc. A LOT. So ya.
That was my epic adventure. :)

207. A person can only do so much

So recently I've been getting some people asking me If the reason I left was because I didn't want to deal with people and their problems anymore. Let me tell you something. I left because of some people and they know that. I also left because I felt that it was the right thing to do for me at this time in my life. I am a people person. If you know me then u know that about me right away. I would lay down my life for anyone and everyone who has come into my path because thats how much everyone means to me. Leaving everyone and their issues behind was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I left people in their worst. There have been so many days where I have been emotionally challenged because back home I have built relationships in which I care about someone so deeply that I feel like I help them live their lives day to day. Here I feel like I am in solitary confinement most of the time. I have 5 legit friends. Five. We all live our separate lives. So because of that I barely see any of them. When I do I can't stop listening to what they say because I am so constantly used to giving advice or whatnot. This is hard for me. Out here I have no one to mentor, and I have no physical mentor. I dont go to church out here at all. honestly I have been wanting to go home more often than not and I feel like people back home don't understand that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you guys, and all of the fun we could be having or all of the heart to hearts we could be having. But because this is what I wanted for me I sit here in my room all alone almost every night. You Guys are important to me. Don't EVER think that I don't care for or miss you guys. Because I do. My heart is back home for sure. I'm not being selfish. I know that when the time comes I'll be back home.

206. Crappy time

I don't normally keep a journal because I'm always dreading people ever reading it and stuff. But anyways I figured why not write about life here again.

Here's where I'm at.
Yesterday I was chillin with Brendan and he challenged me with some pretty tough questions.
*(Side track for a moment, Brendan is someone whose opinion I respect and take into consideration only because we've known each other for a long time, and I do trust him with my life)

He asked me why I was here and he also asked me what I would do if I was to go back home.
Normally I'd have an answer to both questions right at the tip of my tongue so I could answer them quickly, but for the first time in a long time I just sat there. Confused, worried, silent. He then proceeded to look at me and told me that I need to step out of the comfortable. I wanted to cry but I didnt.
In my head I'm thinking dude u don't know that I AM in the uncomfortable. I wanted to be so angry, but I couldn't be. I wanted to say so much stuff but I couldn't because I knew he was right. Back home I have a routine. I get up work 20 hours a week, host life group on Monday night, hang out with people during the week, chill with my family spend my whole Sunday at church and then do that all over again. Back home I am in the comfortable.

Here on the other hand, I work 40 hours a week maybe more and go home chill with my cousin for t-an hour IF she's home and then sleep. I don't even have time for church. Here I'm in the uncomfortable.

This is a hard time. You would think someone like me who seems like they've got everything together would be happy here trying to make it work, but I don't know how else I can. Maybe I'm just being a big baby. Maybe Brendan has a point. No, Brendan does have a point. What am I doing?

Today for instance, I went to work, cried at the mall and Starbucks because I am missing our annual Easter get together back home, and im sitting at starbucks like a loser by myself writing this. Today was one of my sad days. There has been no other day that I have wanted to be home more than today. But I know that if I go home, I "gave up" on something that could potentially be awesome.

That people I where I'm at. Pray for me. I really need it now more than ever.