220. Racing mind

I constantly find myself in a busy state of mind. Do you ever have those times where you think about something and then that makes you think of something else? For example if I'm thinking about driving, then my mind goes to having my own car which leads me to being independent and moving out then being able to have time to date then get Married which then leads me to imagining the colors for my future wedding that are themed after a boat in new west that is by my thinking spot that leads me to my hangs with Braeden and my bible which leads me to Starbucks and then I think about my job. Catch my drift? My mind works at a bazillion thoughts per second. All those things really aren't that similar but my mind puts them together to create this chain. Sometimes I over work my brain with the amount of things I think, which then causes me to stress out and shut down. I am that person. That person who will always have a smile on my face even though my heart is frowning. I'm that girl who in any circumstance will choose your well being over my own. I'm that girl who would rather see everyone around me happy then have that feeling of I couldn't do anything to make them feel that way. Im that girl who gives out advice but refuses to take my own. That is me. And I'm ok with that. I know in myself that I will never change for anyone. Especially in my belief system. I have gone thru hell  and back with my relationship with Jesus and yenno what it's cool. I have learned that because I over think it makes me depend more on God. I see people like my pal Brody, whose story I don't know, come to put God first in everything he does without shame. That is someone I look up to. I know he has hardships but he will always always always glorify God in every situation whether it be good or bad, and that is something that I strive for. I'm thankful for all the people around me because without them and their stories and guidance I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm thankful for being me and for having Jesus, because I know that in my over thinking of the stupid things I have done and regret he still loves me in all circumstances. So when I over think I don't worry because I know that everything is going to be ok, and it always is.

219. Fall

This song is enough.

Whoa, ooh

Well, let me tell you a story

About a girl and a boy

He fell in love with his best friend

When she's around, he feels nothing but joy

But she was already broken, and it made her blind

But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right

Did you know that I loved you or were you not aware?

You're the smile on my face

And I ain't going nowhere

I'm here to make you happy, I'm here to see you smile

I've been wanting to tell you this for a long while

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

Well, I can tell you're afraid of what this might do

Cause we got such an amazing friendship and that you don't wanna lose

Well, I don't wanna lose it either

I don't think I can stay sitting around while you're hurting babe, so take my hand

Well, did you know you're an angel who forgot how to fly?

Did you know that it breaks my heart every time to see you cry

Cause I know that a piece of you's gone

Every time he done wrong I'm the shoulder you're crying on

And I hope by the time that I'm done with this song that I figure out

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

But if you spread your wings

You can fly away with me

But you can't fly unless you let your...

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

What's gonna make you fall in love?

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall,

So fall in love (in love)

I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart

Don't have to be scared at all (don't have to be scared, don't have to be scared at all), oh, my love

But you can't fly unless you let yourself,

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

I will catch you if you fall

If you spread your wings

You can fly away with me

But you can't fly unless you let your... let yourself fall

218. Kyles story.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. "
They really should get lives.
" He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
" Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

217. Oh my heart.

Basically my life was summed up in the last post I wrote, so tonight me and my best friend decided to make a list of things that make our hearts happy. So here I go, in no particular order. 

• Moustaches
• Beanies (like the hat) 
• Pumpkin chai lattes 
• A brand new dress 
• Nice heels 
• Clean laundry 
• Exploring
• Thinking spots 
• Crocheting 
• Balloons
• Flowers! I LOVE getting flowers. (I know, so girly) 
• coconut water 
• Polaroids
• Developing pictures 
• Good quotes 
• Long baths 
• Oversize sweaters 
• Having a good cry 
• Best friend dates 
• Sleepovers 
• Concerts 
• Making up for lost time 
• Dipping my toes in the ocean 
• Driving 
• LA
• bonding sessions 
• Fall
• Anything nautical 
• Boats 
• My anchor tattoo 
• STARGAZING. 

I love all of those. And more. This is my list. If u don't like it, get over it.  

Oh my heart. 

216. Please, for the good of mankind

Alright.
I am currently on the "led on" boat which basically has consumed my mind since I have left. This boat has held a lot of emotions for me. One day I'm happy because I am aware that something might happen, and the next day this boat is sinking. I put too much thought and effort into all the relationships that I have whether it be with my family, my friends, and my co workers. This specific boat has led me to believe that maybe, just maybe for once, someone may feel the same way for me as I do for them. This boat has proven itself to suck so bad. I want to be on the dating train that leads to marriage island. I want to be happy. I want to be able to go to my thinking spot and not have an awkward attachment to it because of who I decided to share it with. I want to be able to hang out with his family and not have it be awkward. I want to be able to text or call him without having feelings for him. I want all these things but mostly, I want space. Every time something like this happens I need space. Hense one of the reasons why I moved to Alberta in the first place. For space. Space to clear my thoughts and come Back refreshed and with a new attitude towards things. Space to legit be able to think without having someone Or something hold me back and question me. 

Gah. Seriously right now. I wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. Because feelings lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to having your heart be vulnerable. and that's the state I'm in. Vulnerability. 

I hate it. 

215. Stomach dropped sensation.

Seriously though. -_-

214. Anytime now

Seriously. The thoughts that have been consuming my mind recently are overwhelming. It is definitely in the top 3 moments of being confused. I say confused as an understatement to the reality of what is actually the hardest thing to describe. I think that I am "in like" with someone. I say "in like" because in love would be an overstatement. He is everything on My list of what I want in a bf and in a husband. He's literally the most outgoing, friendly, lovable, loyal, and amazing friend. He is the epitomy of my hearts desire. He just doesn't know it yet haha. It's Wierd when you can open up to some one and know that they will NEVER judge you for your past or your present. That you know they will support you in whatever it is you choose to do and have them know that you would and will do the same. Gah. Life.

"what happens when he's your Romeo but you're not his Juliet?"