207. A person can only do so much

So recently I've been getting some people asking me If the reason I left was because I didn't want to deal with people and their problems anymore. Let me tell you something. I left because of some people and they know that. I also left because I felt that it was the right thing to do for me at this time in my life. I am a people person. If you know me then u know that about me right away. I would lay down my life for anyone and everyone who has come into my path because thats how much everyone means to me. Leaving everyone and their issues behind was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I left people in their worst. There have been so many days where I have been emotionally challenged because back home I have built relationships in which I care about someone so deeply that I feel like I help them live their lives day to day. Here I feel like I am in solitary confinement most of the time. I have 5 legit friends. Five. We all live our separate lives. So because of that I barely see any of them. When I do I can't stop listening to what they say because I am so constantly used to giving advice or whatnot. This is hard for me. Out here I have no one to mentor, and I have no physical mentor. I dont go to church out here at all. honestly I have been wanting to go home more often than not and I feel like people back home don't understand that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you guys, and all of the fun we could be having or all of the heart to hearts we could be having. But because this is what I wanted for me I sit here in my room all alone almost every night. You Guys are important to me. Don't EVER think that I don't care for or miss you guys. Because I do. My heart is back home for sure. I'm not being selfish. I know that when the time comes I'll be back home.

206. Crappy time

I don't normally keep a journal because I'm always dreading people ever reading it and stuff. But anyways I figured why not write about life here again.

Here's where I'm at.
Yesterday I was chillin with Brendan and he challenged me with some pretty tough questions.
*(Side track for a moment, Brendan is someone whose opinion I respect and take into consideration only because we've known each other for a long time, and I do trust him with my life)

He asked me why I was here and he also asked me what I would do if I was to go back home.
Normally I'd have an answer to both questions right at the tip of my tongue so I could answer them quickly, but for the first time in a long time I just sat there. Confused, worried, silent. He then proceeded to look at me and told me that I need to step out of the comfortable. I wanted to cry but I didnt.
In my head I'm thinking dude u don't know that I AM in the uncomfortable. I wanted to be so angry, but I couldn't be. I wanted to say so much stuff but I couldn't because I knew he was right. Back home I have a routine. I get up work 20 hours a week, host life group on Monday night, hang out with people during the week, chill with my family spend my whole Sunday at church and then do that all over again. Back home I am in the comfortable.

Here on the other hand, I work 40 hours a week maybe more and go home chill with my cousin for t-an hour IF she's home and then sleep. I don't even have time for church. Here I'm in the uncomfortable.

This is a hard time. You would think someone like me who seems like they've got everything together would be happy here trying to make it work, but I don't know how else I can. Maybe I'm just being a big baby. Maybe Brendan has a point. No, Brendan does have a point. What am I doing?

Today for instance, I went to work, cried at the mall and Starbucks because I am missing our annual Easter get together back home, and im sitting at starbucks like a loser by myself writing this. Today was one of my sad days. There has been no other day that I have wanted to be home more than today. But I know that if I go home, I "gave up" on something that could potentially be awesome.

That people I where I'm at. Pray for me. I really need it now more than ever.