An ending to an eventful year and beginning to a life changer||

As I sit here at my kitchen table, with my extra big curly hair in a bun, and my Pajamas that don't match (shocker I know) drinking a cup of starbucks anniversary blend, I can't help but reflect on this year. Being the last day Of 2013, I woke up and went thru my Instagram to look at the pics of this past year. I found some happy memories attached to all of these pics, but I also found some sad ones too. 

This year has been filled with reunions, goodbyes, old friends, new friends, adventures, heartbreaks, new jobs, an abundance of church times, lots of friends having babies or getting engaged or married and just plain trying to get through some rough weeks. 

                        

To be honest this has probably been my hardest year to date. I Started 2013 with my one word being PERSPECTIVE and I literally heard it on the daily at least 3 times a day. Everywhere I went, I heard it. I tried to put every situation of this year into the perspective of looking at the bigger picture. That maybe every struggle was a small part of the big picture, or that every happy moment was just a small part of the big picture. 

I learned a lot this year. 

I learned the value of friendships this year. Having been reunited with the fab 5 was literally the best thing this year. I witnessed break ups and hurting hearts, I witnessed death and struggles, I witnessed words that were said and how those words could break each of us down. I I witnessed working so hard to pursue something you love, that you were never seen. I witnessed two of My pals leaving to find better things and to better themselves and their lives by pursuing things that would help them achieve what God would want them to do. I witnessed people open up their homes to me when I got kicked out of mine. I witnessed transparency. I witnessed an abundance of love that each one of these girls gave and received by not only each other but by all. For that I'm grateful. 

I also learned that your co workers aren't just your co workers, they're your family. I got to see a whole bunch of random and different people come together to not only learn to trust one another, but learn to love each other through literally thick and thin. I always knew that there would be people who put on a front of everything being ok, because I normally am that person, but I think we all learned to break down those walls for each other and for ourselves. I saw people at their highs and lows and learned to love them thru it all. We learned to have each others backs at all times and we stood by that. 

I learned that my family isn't ideal. This year has been hard. For all of us. From such amazing times to such crappy times. From heartbreak to new relationships to forgiveness to learning to love each other thru it all. I can say that for myself, my mom and my sister, this year has been hard with not being able to get Along all the time, but i feel like through every trial we were always there for each other. We learned to love, even When we weren't being loveable. We learned that space could only help the Situation until it arose again. We learned that when we said words we didn't mean, we were throwing daggers at each others hearts. But mostly we learned that the door was always open to come back and that transparency could help heal our wounds. 

I learned to be adventurous. To be open to the things that this year would bring. I learned to try new things and to not always stick to the same things that I was used to. I learned that even though I was being adventurous, I always stuck to my boundaries.

I learned that it's ok to have different dreams. That even though I'm called to be a pastor, that I can still do many other things because I have many other talents. That all those talents weren't just given to me because of nothing, but that I could use them to do mighty things. 

I also learned that no matter what my best friend will always be my best friend thru every and all situations. I learned that we could go for months without talking but that when we finally talked it would be like there was never an absence of each other. 

This year I learned what perspective really meant in my life. This year was just one year of my life. It was a tiny speck of the story that God has for me. It was a year of trial to see if God could trust me with everything and all things he has in store for me. 

So my word for 2014 is RESPOND. 

I want to learn to respond to my calling, and to respond to whatever needs a response. I'm ready for whatever comes this next year and I'm excited to start my new year off in Guatemala with my family who I haven't seen in years. 

Thank you all for being a part of my year, and for loving me thru everything. You all are loved immensely. 

Xx. 

225. TUGBOAT CHRONICLES

T U G B O A T // C H R O N I C L E S

Disclaimer: The other day, Chanel and I went to the thinking spot and we were talking and she stopped me and said "look theres a tugboat! take a picture of that! you can write an awesome sermon on it!" So, i whipped out my phone and figured i'd write a little bit about this subject.

 

Tug·Boat [tuhg-boht]

noun

a small, powerful boat for towing or pushing ships, barges, etc

 

Have you ever been in a postion of having too much to handle? or having too much to deal with a the same time? i feel like that right now. I have WAY too much on my plate. I have 12 hours a week at starbucks, so im obviously broke. I dont have the grades to get into school. I feel distant from some friends. I am distancing myself from one of my best friends. I feel awkward at my church.My family and I dont get along for about 80% of the time we are together.I got called out of Canada to become a youth pastor but i dont know where.

 Life is just not easy.

BUT you have to live the life of knowing that you have JESUS.

Pastor Chris Durso said something in one of his sermons that has opened my eyes. He said something along the lines of " If God tells you that he wants you in a certain place, he will make sure that you get to that place." Yeah there may be some mountains that you need to climb on the way but God never fails in making sure that you get to the place he has called you.

 

A tugboat is such a perfect analogy of how God helps us. He is the boat and he pulls and carries all the baggage that we have. How incredbile is that? A tugboat is so small and carries such huge things. Which puts it into the perspective of no matter how small we make God in our lives, he still carries ALL the huge things that weigh us down.

Psalm 55:22 says

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.'

 

How awesome is that? The fact that God takes all those things and deals with them because he already has died for them anyways. And plus he gives us so much grace and love and support. There is nothing that God cannot do. He's amazing. Dont ever doubt God.

 

Also, learn to let go fully of the burdens that weigh you down. When you give God the little piece that you can let go of, you still probably have 90% of that burden holding you back from the things God has called you to. Learn to TRUST God with everything and anything, and remember that God doesnt put you thru anything you cannot handle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

224. #REVCONF Slap in the Face

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT?

 

What a slap in the face by reality.

I am not one to think that God doesnt have an amazing and remarkable plan for my life, but i am one to think SOMETIMES that there is no grace for me.

I have screwed up. A Lot.

I have done things in my past that i wish i could take back.

I have broke up friendships over something that i could not learn to let go.

I have become someone that i never wanted to be.

I have not become me.

 

 

People always tell me that they love who I am, and i always nod along and go with the flow. I afterall, have always been that girl who has a smile. My friends will tell you that i am a great listener, or a personable person.

 

"You are so sociable! Everyone wants to be your friend. Its unreal, and i can see why. You genuinely care about people. It is so rare to meet someone who is so personable but somehow you are just that."

-Brody

 

or

 

"I love you! there will never be a paula replacement! No one can amount to your awesomeness anyways!"

-Braeden

 

or

 

"I just want to tell you how unbelievably amazing you are. I am so happy to have you as a friend. You have sych a beautiful heart, and you always stay positive!"

-Jenae

 

SLAP ME IN THE FACE ALREADY.

 

if these comments dont make me want to change then what will?

 

This weekend I was at REV CONFERENCE. And oh my goodness God showed up. Seriously. what a guy.

Message after Message i was moved.

Song after Song i was moved.

i was MOVED.

 

Robert Madu started off the conference with a message titled "It's in YOU"

He then preached about how we came from Dirt. yes, Dirt. He told us that God works with the messed up. That he cares about the ones who stray and that God is a great gardener with the seeds we sow.

He then talked about the gifts that God has instilled in us.

This made me open my eyes a little bit more because he claimed that GOD, our provider, gave us each a gift that he wants us to use. Whether big or small, it is still a gift. AND we should still use it to its fullest capability. I mean who are we kidding, we will never amount to all that God has called us to be, because we live in a world that holds us back, BUT we can definitely try and become radical for Jesus.

After all, was it not Jesus who took all our dirt when he was on that cross? was it not Jesus who has forgiven us? Was it not Jesus who said "Paula I love you, no matter what the circumstance, because i died for you."

 

once again,

SLAP IN THE FACE.

 

put it in perspective, God hands you the gift of preaching,or singing, or art, or saving women and children from the sex trade, or building amazing homes, or dance but you keep it for yourself. who does that slap in the face?

not you.

Might as well slap God yourself.

#Perspective

 

isnt it eye opening to see the perspective of that? how many times have I personally slapped God in the face? too many to count. Because in all honesty, yes i was given the gift of preaching to my full potential but no, i didnt use it in the capability that God wanted me to use it in and that to me sucks a lot.

 

Robert then stated "Your gift is a collaboration of YOU & GOD"

How incredible is that. He gives it to YOU, and you use it.

AND

not only that, he helps you use it.

He opens doors.

He gives opportunities.

TAKE THEM.

stop being that person who says that they have nothing to offer when in reality you have an enormous amount to offer.

 

*Insert Reality slap here*

 

The next day, James Murray spoke about the response that we had when we responded to the Gospel.

a quote that he said stuck out to me a lot.

he said

"Religion counts, grace erases."

 

WOAH WOAH WOAH

hold on a second.

WHAT?!

 

Grace does what?

ERASES.

 

Therefore, I know that when i mess up, GRACE aka JESUS has your back.

and yes, you can say AMEN to that.

 

Then Harrison Conley spoke a message about being yourself in Church. He gave us the example of a man who isnt in shape and hasnt seen his friends for a while, so when they ask him to hang at the beach, he goes but inhales so that he looks thinner. Then this man proceeds to go into the water and exhale so that he can be himself when no  one sees him.

He then claimed that in Church there are many christians who put on the mask of "everything is awesome and no one needs to know otherwise" and when they leave church, they exhale and are broken people.

this to me is also a

SLAP IN THE FACE,

because i did this for SO LONG. Even now, i find myself doing this sometimes and i now realize that when there is something going on, God wants ALL of it. Not the piece that we can let go, but all of it. God wants us to let go.

 

Then Justin Reimer spoke a message on the fact that we are here. so we might as well be where we are and use that to its full capacity.

he told us to "wake up behind the wheel of our life".

wow.

SLAP IN THE FACE #2875023032

 

how many times do we wish we were somewhere else. I think that is definitely something that hold us back from all that God wants to do in us. We long to Run. We want change and pursue it, but forget that Jesus wants us in the now and has our lives planned for us.

 

Then Chad Veach closed the conference with going through Psalm 23.

He talked about how whatever God annoints he also approves. He talked about how when we have God we have a seat at his table. He also talked about how the devil instills lies into us. How when God says "come" the devil exclaims "not Paula, shes done this and this and this and isnt worthy of a seat at YOUR table." when we let the devil put lies before us, we fall back. But Gods table is big enough and he is more than enough for us. 

Chad then asked us if we were called to ministry to put up our hand.

without even thinking both my hands shot up in the air and i started to ball like a baby. i now know that what God has for my life is 79035247802 times bigger than what i have for my own life.

 

in all reality, i am grateful.

and in awe.

 

Jesus is real people.

&

he loves you more than anyone ever could.

There is GRACE.

live in it.

 

 

223. only you.

    dark & rainy day

                                       come & gone away

                   cant tell you my name 

cuz everyday it keeps on changing

                              someone i had known

                         stolen identity

she took that all away & left me on my knee

        she keeps on changing the weather

& everyday its raining on me 

          she keeps on changing the weather 

& im so tired 

im so tired

                                      of being cold. 

222. and when you think its over.... its not.

the amount of change that has occurred in my life since moving to alberta and coming back, is immense. i mean here i am the typical paula not knowing anything about anything and yet pursuing the things that i shouldn't pursue. these decisions have consequences and i have learned that the hard way. i feel like people are distancing themselves from me a little bit and i guess you could fit in the title "now you're just somebody that i used to know" and thats cool i guess. 

life goes on, and days get brighter. 

i may be a different person but i have the same heart and the same beliefs and i wont let anyone take that away from me. im going to be a better person, but dont judge me on my mistakes. because guess what, you arent perfect either. no one is. sorry. 

221. Before my thoughts are gone

Today I had the awesome chance to hang with the awesome Brody. I feel like I constantly tweet or talk about Brody and its honestly because out of all the people I have gotten to know recently, he is the most real. It's funny cuz I remember Brody coming to church when it was called victory christian centre but I remember not knowing him. I was a strange kid. He was a strange kid. We were both super strange kids. It was normal back then to be in constant confusion over who was friends with who and now I can honestly say that I'm glad he's in my life.  I told Brody this and I know he won't be upset about me mentioning it, but I told him that to me he was a write off. Not because I didn't want to get to know him, but because I did and was afraid to. Here's the thing with me. I have trust issues. I am not afraid to admit that because of the fact that its true. I didn't always have them but I do now and it's ok, I'm working on them and you don't have to be concerned. But alas this leads me back to what I was saying. I can say that I have only ever REALLY opened up with no shame, no guilt and no worry of being judged to one person. That person is my best friend. It took a while for us to get to that best friend stage. We've had our fair share of fighting and loving and listening and just being there for each other, But it wasn't an easy ride. I have this thing where I am super outgoing and I love people. I do. It's not easy being me. I genuinely care about every person I get to meet. I would take a bullet for every person I have ever met. That's how much I care. BUT do I trust all these new people ? Nope. Why? Because like I said I have a hard time. I want to with every ounce in my being be able to trust all these people but I can't. And so this leads me back to Brody. I wanted to be that person who was friends and had the trust for him but I couldn't. These past few weeks have been eye opening for me though. I may not show it in the way that I act but I truly have been challenged to open my heart and my soul and my mind to the things that scare me, and to the things that will make me a better person. Brody taught me that. And yenno what awesome about it? He doesn't know it. Brody is genuine and kind and smart and hilarious beyond measure, and he doesn't know it. He has opened my eyes to see the awesome in the people around me, he has opened my heart to take in all Christ has for me. He uses his words to build me up and not tear me down. He has opened my mind to the ideas that have surrounded my mind for so long. He taught me that words without actions are useless. You have to act on the things you say. And before all you Guys get the wrong idea , brods and I are just pals. I speak highly of the people who impact my life. Brody is an influence to me. If that doesn't keep him accountable for being so awesome I don't know what will. He has a HUGE heart. I value him and alway will. I TRUST Brody with all that I am. And I am thankful for him. He knows that. I guess this makes us new best buds. Sucks to be you Brody haha. Xo

220. Racing mind

I constantly find myself in a busy state of mind. Do you ever have those times where you think about something and then that makes you think of something else? For example if I'm thinking about driving, then my mind goes to having my own car which leads me to being independent and moving out then being able to have time to date then get Married which then leads me to imagining the colors for my future wedding that are themed after a boat in new west that is by my thinking spot that leads me to my hangs with Braeden and my bible which leads me to Starbucks and then I think about my job. Catch my drift? My mind works at a bazillion thoughts per second. All those things really aren't that similar but my mind puts them together to create this chain. Sometimes I over work my brain with the amount of things I think, which then causes me to stress out and shut down. I am that person. That person who will always have a smile on my face even though my heart is frowning. I'm that girl who in any circumstance will choose your well being over my own. I'm that girl who would rather see everyone around me happy then have that feeling of I couldn't do anything to make them feel that way. Im that girl who gives out advice but refuses to take my own. That is me. And I'm ok with that. I know in myself that I will never change for anyone. Especially in my belief system. I have gone thru hell  and back with my relationship with Jesus and yenno what it's cool. I have learned that because I over think it makes me depend more on God. I see people like my pal Brody, whose story I don't know, come to put God first in everything he does without shame. That is someone I look up to. I know he has hardships but he will always always always glorify God in every situation whether it be good or bad, and that is something that I strive for. I'm thankful for all the people around me because without them and their stories and guidance I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm thankful for being me and for having Jesus, because I know that in my over thinking of the stupid things I have done and regret he still loves me in all circumstances. So when I over think I don't worry because I know that everything is going to be ok, and it always is.