197. i cant

i am at a stupid point in my life where i care too much about people, to let them live their lives the way that they're living them. I know that its a "learning process" for a lot of people, but i think its stupid. Let me tell you people why. This is my theory: If you grow up knowing what you believe and standing in faith that Gods plans for you are legit, then WHY do you have to go through a "phase" of drinking and smoking? I dont get it. as much as i try to, i dont. I know that everryone has a choice to make about stupid stuff like that, but WHY cant you choose to do the right thing. seriously. I know first hand the hardships of life. My parents got divorced. thats tough stuff, and i tell my life group girls that i had a choice to make at that time. That choice could have been to follow the worldly things like drinking and partying, or to follow Gods plans for me, and i obvs chose to stay planted in church. so i dont get it. You grow up in a healthy home, u really know who you are and STILL you decide to do these things. I know its just a "season" but seriously,this season needs to hurry the crap up and be over, so that the people you are hurting can stop hurting. So that I can stop hurting. I need out of our friendships for real. i'll pray for you, but really at this point, im over it and im done with you.

196. done

Im Done.

 I dont care anymore, and if someone tells me stuff about something you did,

and it doesnt come from your mouth, im ignoring it.

Im NOT wasting anymore of my time.

figure your crap out and then talk to me.

195. seasons

i just want this season in my life to be over. seriously. Im so sick and tired of feeling like this. In all honesty, i have NEVER in my whole life felt this crappy EVER. i just want things to go back to how they used to be. I just want my friends back.

194. life.

I feel like I've written a post called "life" before. But alas, here i go.

it all started when i turned 20. [this was last week.]

Let me tell you people something, i am a real feelings kind of person. when I'm really pumped about something you know, when I'm sad you know, when i don't want to talk, you know. You can always look at me and see my feelings. BUT if you know me really well, you know exactly what I'm feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything, but when something happens that I'm not used to i bottle it up.

So, lets back track to the day after my birthday. So I'm 20. And if you saw my last post, you know my feelings about turning 20. i was worried, yet excited. But alas, the day after my birthday i worked, since well that's what i do. i had a visitor that day. And if you know me at all, you know that life has been tough especially with my parents. I'm not saying i have bad parents, because I'm not. I'm actually grateful to have parents because i know people who don't and they have a rough time. But anyways, this visitor turned out to be my dad. If you know my situation at all, you know that i haven't seen my dad for more than 2 min in about 3 or 4 years. So, lets make a scenario out of this. You're at work, then all of a sudden someone tells you that there's someone wanting to see you, and right away you assume its one of your friends. Then you come out of the back room and BOOM your stomach drops, you feel nauseous, and you freeze. The person who you least expected is standing in front of you. What do u feel? scared? anxious? nervous? did u feel like crying?

Let me tell you people. I felt all of those + 1000 more feelings at the same time. It was awkward. i didnt know what to do, or say for that matter. I mean i went up to him and we hugged and he said happy birthday like the right thing to do, and we talked for about 10 min. He seemed sincere, but in the back of my mind im thinking 'uhhh what the crap are you doing here?' It was bad. When i say bad, im sugar coating the amount of bad it was. I felt like i couldnt hold a conversation with him because i hadnt seen him in a long time. It was stressful and hard. Let me tell you people what happened next. So he hugs me and says goodbye because obviously im working and i need to actually work, and then i look at krystal [my co-worker] and run to the back. I wept. like a baby. it was hard. probably one of the hardest things ever.

So, that was the start to a bad week. Then I got sick. I NEVER get sick ever. So when im sick, im actually dying. This brought sucky days, and is still bringing sucky days, because lets face it, i feel like death. I somehow convinced myself that i had strep throat when in reality i was just dying of a head cold. To top this stuff off, ive been trying to hang with my best friend for the past 2 or 3 weeks and something always happens. It makes me angry but feeling like death wont help the situation.

But anyways this leads me to last night. the worst day of them all. i fight with my mom. whenever we fight, it escalates into so much more than the topic we start off with. this time it was about finances, and the ortho having to take off my braces because my treatment cant be finished and just a whole bunch of crap. then it escalates into life, my dad, me moving, school, everything. It was rough. i sat there weeping. When i say weeping i mean legit tears rolling down my face non stop. It was hard stuff. But yenno what? i got my point across and so did my mom. we figured stuff out. She found out stuff that i didnt tell anyone. She found out my heart. and for once that felt good. we were on the same page. Im not saying we are never gonna fight again, because thats life, but i know it feels good to let stuff air out.

I've also had to deal with some crappy situations in my friends lives this past week. Dont get me wrong, i dont hate dealing with this stuff, i hate the fact that i cant do anything to fix it. Lets be realistic here people. Some of my friends have broken up with people this week, and i honestly wish i could tell them the right  stuff, and how to deal with it, but realistically speaking i have never been in that situation, because i have never dated. So im thinking "God, what the crap man? why? why am I the one you're using to speak into these girls' lives? i dont know this stuff. i dont know what to do or say or pray or whatever! im not made for this! GOD WHY?!" But then i realize, that if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt be in these people's lives to begin with. i wouldnt know what to say to make things ok. and you know what, ive realized that i dont have all the answers. God does. He uses me to speak LIFE into the people around me whether or not i know whats going on. He uses me because he knows my potential and he knows my life and how i can help people. He uses me because he TRUSTS me. and you know what, I trust him too. Whether or not i know how to handle a situation, or not, its all God. fo realz.

so you know what people, i know sometimes life is tough. trust me, if you read this you know. But if we keep bottling up all the crap we go through we are never going to let it go. I learned this the hard way. I wasted 4 years of my life bottling up stuff that needed to not have a hold on my heart. So i challenge you. Whats something you need to let go of? and when you know what that is, let it go. Not just "im gonna let it go for a week and then remember it and make myself miserable again" but for real. Let it go. When you let it go, everything feels so much better. Trust me.

and while we are at it, Thanks Becca, Nicky and Sam for being there for me this week. You dont even know how much you guys have helped me out. SO grateful for you guys! Gods potential is huge on your lives. pursue him with all you have, and continue to be the best friends you can be. LOVE you guys fo realz.

-Paula